I Am 16 Going On 17 ...

The implosion of closeted gay-Republican Mark Foley's congressional career is being well-covered elsewhere. See here, here, and here, for example.

Most observers are upset that Republican leaders in the House of Representatives covered up Foley's years-long email and Instant Message dalliances with children (!) who were in DC to work as Congressional pages (in other words, young interns).

However, their concern is misplaced. You see, Republicans were only bending over backwards to protect a gay man from public criticism and ridicule. Given the GOP's longstanding activism in favor of gay rights -- from the Defense of Marriage Act, to the recurrent efforts to pass a Marriage Amendment to the US Constitution, to the public statements of dozens of Republican officeholders making clear their stand on the struggle for gay equality -- it should be obvious that all House Speaker Hastert and other Republican leaders were trying to do was protect the privacy of a gay man who just happened to be a Republican member of Congress. It had nothing to do with trying to silence the constant drumbeat of hypocrisy and scandal surrounding the Republican Party. And it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that the Republicans can't afford to lose a single seat in Congress. They would have done the same thing for anybody. Especially a Democrat who was accused of fooling around with children of the same gender. Yeah, they would never use something like that for their own political advantage.

In fact, to prove there were no political impulses behind the so-called cover-up of Foley's child-stalking behavior, Speaker Hastert has agreed to star in a Congressional remake of the Sound of Music.

Hastert himself will star as eldest von Trapp family daughter Liesl and will be serenaded by Rep. Foley (in the role of Rolf) ... assuming Foley can get out on parole. I can hardly wait for Hastert to present his personal (and if I say so myself, magical!) rendition of "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." I'm sure you can't wait for the former wrestling coach (and secret admirer of the Gay Men's Chorus) to belt out:

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Working here as a Page
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
Their hormones are all a-rage

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Republican gays, in closets all day
What do I know of those?

Totally unprepared am I
For emails of that style
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of G-O-P pedophiles!

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
Congressman Foley, Pope-like and holy
Has offered to lick my shoe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Perfectly unaware
That is, until he -- pulls out his pee-pee
And takes off his underwear

Though I'm sixteen going on seventeen
One lesson I learned for sure
Republican leaders are bottom-feeders
And Democrats are the cure

Casual Friday

I think this is fake but I like the concept anyway. OplusO has already revealed the stupidity of the necktie. This new product -- "BusinessBibs" -- demonstrates that others have the same reaction.

Keystone Capitol Cops

Are you feeling safer yet?

The recent incident at the US Capitol revealed the incompetence of the so-called security forces put in place since 9/11. Even when you consider that these guys are about ten times better than those annoyingly inept TSA burger-flippers at airports, it is not a reassuring thought.

So what happened? After eluding police on city streets, a drug-addled parolee (with a gun) crashed his stolen SUV into a barrier near the Capitol and then ran through an unlocked, unguarded door into the Capitol itself. Although the police claimed he was apprehended after a chase along several floors, it turns out that civilian employees grabbed him and held him until the police had finished their donut break -- I mean, until the cops caught up. At one point, the fleeing criminal tried to grab a shotgun in the hands of a cop. And a civilian had to subdue him?

OK, what do you have to do to get shot around here? If this idiot had actually been a terrorist what kind of death and mayhem could he have inflicted? Although this incident involved exactly ZERO planning, it resulted in a large vehicle making it almost to the steps of the US Capitol.

Food On A Stick

I'm a little hungry tonight. Unfortunately, I'm also lazy so I don't feel like preparing a real meal. If only I had some corn dogs in the fridge ... arrrhhhh ... corn dogs ... yummy!

Corn dogs really are Nature's perfect food.

Yet isn't it true that almost any food can be improved by spearing it with a stick?

There are fancy foods like kebab and satay. But there are also desserts like fried Twinkies and frozen bananas.

Hey, here's a free business idea: Stick Food Restaurants. Every item on the menu would have a handle.

No need to share the profits with me.
Just let me eat there for free.

October Surprise

The Bush Administration is getting desperate as the election draws near. Should the Democrats take over at least one house of Congress they will once again be able to subpoena Administration witnesses to force them, under oath, to testify about dozens of scandals that have been perpetrated by the Republicans in power at all levels of the federal government.

Obviously, from the Republican perspective this would be a bad thing. Yet standard, run-of-the-mill political tricks simply won't do the ... trick. Their act is growing stale. What could they possibly do to stem the tide of voter disgust with Republican incompetence and malfeasance?

Capturing Osama would be number one (assuming he is not already on ice in some undisclosed location) but this has never been Bush's highest priority (higher would be seizing and keeping power, among other things). And the Washington Post has just run an article smashing the excuses offered by the Bush Boys. It's entitled: "Bin Laden Trail 'Stone Cold.'"

Breaking up another high-profile terrorist plot -- even if it must be done prematurely -- is a definite possibility. Yet that requires something more impressive than the Miami gang of idiots.

"The evidence against the men came with the help of an undercover FBI informant who posed as a Qaeda operative offering to help them. The government says the men requested money, weapons and equipment to carry out the attacks. The informant helped them get combat boots."

My biggest worry is an ill-conceived aerial assault on nuclear facilities in Iran. The "thinking" would be that the administration has nothing to lose. Of course, it's the rest of us who would lose -- a lot -- in the long run. Yet in the worldwide confusion of the immediate aftermath of a U.S. attack the Administration would have a good chance of spinning things their way. So by the third week of October, don't be too surprised if you start seeing maps like this with ever-so-serious analysts pointing out the buildings "we" blew up:

Dust to Dust

Summer's almost over and Maggie's shedding should be coming to an end soon. So I was conducting my annual under-the-bed dusting when out rolled the Dust Bunny From Hell. At least that's what I thought it was at first glance. Yet there was something special about this glob of dog hair and dust. After staring at it for a few seconds I realized that this dust bunny wasn't from hell -- it was a sign from heaven above!!

Yes, as incredible as it seems, my dog's cast-off hair had formed an amazing likeness of Jesus. Mirabile dictu!

Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised to find Jesus' head rolling around under my bed. After all, "god" is "dog" spelled backward and Maggie sheds so much it's a fucking miracle.

Almost as quickly as I recognized the Son of God on the end of my Swiffer I realized that pagan naysayers would claim that it was just a common clot of canine undercoat. Oh, Ye of little faith! That is why I took a picture of the miracle and then carefully placed it in a plastic bag to preserve it until I can sell it on eBay. See for yourself.


UPDATE 9/22/06: Looks like Maggie's Holy Hair has some competition from Angus' anus. Angus MacDougall is a terrier mix with an amazing likeness of Jesus on his ass. Of course, Maggie's ass could have a treasure map tattooed on it and I wouldn't know because I don't spend a whole lot of time staring at it.

Happy Anniversary?

It was one year ago, in the immediate aftermath of the Bush Administration's criminal neglect during the Katrina disaster, that I started this blog.

Sadly, Bush & Co. have only gotten worse in the intervening months. The Katrina recovery effort remains disappointing to me -- and devastating to the actual victims.

Now we've reached the fifth anniversary of 9/11 and Bush, Cheney and the rest of the right-wing wrecking crew are still lying about it. A Washington Post article on the bungled hunt for Osama bin Laden only reinforces my outrage against these political hacks. The article details how, after bin Laden fled from his Tora Bora stronghold (his escape assisted by the refusal of Team Bush to commit enough troops to the task), Americans did not have the equipment to track, detect or kill him because of the emphasis on Iraq. (!!!)

Although the hunt for bin Laden has depended to a large extent on technology, until recently unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs) were in short supply, especially when the war in Iraq became a priority in 2003.

In July 2003, Vines said that U.S. forces under his command thought they were close to striking bin Laden, but had only one drone to send over three possible routes he might take. "A UAV was positioned on the route that was most likely, but he didn't go that way," Vines said. "We believed that we were within a half-hour of possibly getting him, but nothing materialized."

Ironically, ABC-TV has scheduled a mini-series for the 9/11 anniversary that (according to advance criticism) blames Clinton's team for letting bin Laden escape certain death from a potential missile strike.

How many blunders and broken promises do we have to suffer through before voters toss out these scoundrels? Hopefully, by my second anniversary we will have started to fix the problem at home so that we can finally deal with all of the problems overseas.

Stick Shift?

This Reuters article requires no further comment:

BRATISLAVA (Reuters) - A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis.

Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a "give way" sign.

"It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving, it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it (the pump) was placed on his penis," police officer Peter Polak told Reuters.

"I've never seen anything like this, nor have my colleagues," he added.

The man was taken to hospital with head injuries.

The "W" Stands For "Wrong War"

Dubya got another chance to play a hero the other day. He is now claiming to be the only thing that stands between Americans and subjugation by "Islamofascists." My goodness, but that child does have a fertile imagination, doesn't he? This time, the occasion was a speech in Wisconsin but the speech actually covered old ground for the Boy President.

Fascism is a dead political philosophy. Fascism used perpetual war as a tool for maintaining its power domestically and for building an empire. Largely limited to Italy, fascism was a 20th century excuse to seize colonies (after most of the good ones had been taken in earlier times). Fascists used government-driven economic stimulation of industry, especially militarily useful industries, to artificially prop up the economy -- for as long as the wars could justify the enormous expense. Italy's Benito Mussolini was the first fascist dictator. He took advantage of turbulent times to expand his power. Sound familiar? "Fascism was a product of a general feeling of anxiety and fear among the middle-class of postwar Italy, arising out of a convergence of interrelated economic, political, and cultural pressures. Italy had no long-term tradition of parliamentary compromise, and public discourse took on an inflammatory tone on all sides." Again, sound familiar? The fascist party in Italy was supported by the wealthy classes which saw it as a bulwark against worker unrest and socialism. "In foreign policy, Mussolini soon shifted from the pacifist anti-imperialism of his lead-up to power, to an extreme form of aggressive nationalism." OK, for the last time, does it ring any bells?

This is a case of the pot calling the kettle fascist.

Despite these historical distinctions, Bush & Co. have decided that calling radical Islamic terrorists "fascists" will rally the civilian troops. Yet never being satisfied with killing the horse, the Bushies insist on beating it with every rhetorical stick they can find.

Thus, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld compared those who think he is dangerously incompetent with Neville Chamberlain's "appeasement" of Hitler before WWII. He compared today's criticism of his catastrophic blunders in the Middle East to the 1930s when "moral confusion set in among the Western democracies."

Secretary of State Condi Rice compared those who oppose Bush's war in Iraq to Yankees who opposed the American Civil War and who, therefore, would have allowed slavery to continue. At least someone in the administration is talking about a civil war. Just not the right civil war.

Clinging to the oars of Bush's lifeboat, Sen. Rick Santorum was heard to gurgle that "We're at war with Islamic fascism. Afghanistan and Iraq and southern Lebanon and every country around the world is a front."

And Vice President Cheney offered up the non sequitur argument "I know some have suggested that by liberating Iraq from Saddam Hussein, we simply stirred up a hornet's nest. They overlook a fundamental fact: We were not in Iraq on September 11th, 2001, and the terrorists hit us anyway."

Sticks and stones, along with Improvised Explosive Devices, may break your bones but Republicans believe that words will get them re-elected.

Crikey! I'm Dead!

Professional crocodile teaser Steve Irwin finally died at the hands (er, make that tail) of an angry animal. After years of hopping on the backs of crocodiles, wrestling with snakes and various other really, really not recommended activities, TV star Irwin was stabbed in the chest by a stingray's barbed tail. According to news reports:

Television star Steve Irwin has been killed while filming an underwater documentary in Queensland.

The 44-year-old, who was dubbed 'The Crocodile Hunter', was killed by a stingray barb through the chest while diving off Port Douglas.

Local diving operator Steve Edmundson said: "Steve was hit by a stingray in the chest. He probably died from a cardiac arrest from the injury."