Saturday, September 30, 2006

I Am 16 Going On 17 ...

The implosion of closeted gay-Republican Mark Foley's congressional career is being well-covered elsewhere. See here, here, and here, for example.

Most observers are upset that Republican leaders in the House of Representatives covered up Foley's years-long email and Instant Message dalliances with children (!) who were in DC to work as Congressional pages (in other words, young interns).

However, their concern is misplaced. You see, Republicans were only bending over backwards to protect a gay man from public criticism and ridicule. Given the GOP's longstanding activism in favor of gay rights -- from the Defense of Marriage Act, to the recurrent efforts to pass a Marriage Amendment to the US Constitution, to the public statements of dozens of Republican officeholders making clear their stand on the struggle for gay equality -- it should be obvious that all House Speaker Hastert and other Republican leaders were trying to do was protect the privacy of a gay man who just happened to be a Republican member of Congress. It had nothing to do with trying to silence the constant drumbeat of hypocrisy and scandal surrounding the Republican Party. And it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that the Republicans can't afford to lose a single seat in Congress. They would have done the same thing for anybody. Especially a Democrat who was accused of fooling around with children of the same gender. Yeah, they would never use something like that for their own political advantage.

In fact, to prove there were no political impulses behind the so-called cover-up of Foley's child-stalking behavior, Speaker Hastert has agreed to star in a Congressional remake of the Sound of Music.

Hastert himself will star as eldest von Trapp family daughter Liesl and will be serenaded by Rep. Foley (in the role of Rolf) ... assuming Foley can get out on parole. I can hardly wait for Hastert to present his personal (and if I say so myself, magical!) rendition of "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." I'm sure you can't wait for the former wrestling coach (and secret admirer of the Gay Men's Chorus) to belt out:
I am sixteen going on seventeen
Working here as a Page
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
Their hormones are all a-rage

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Republican gays, in closets all day
What do I know of those?

Totally unprepared am I
For emails of that style
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of G-O-P pedophiles!

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
Congressman Foley, Pope-like and holy
Has offered to lick my shoe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Perfectly unaware
That is, until he -- pulls out his pee-pee
And takes off his underwear

Though I'm sixteen going on seventeen
One lesson I learned for sure
Republican leaders are bottom-feeders
And Democrats are the cure

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