Saturday, March 11, 2006

Freedom's Just Another Word

Everyone agrees that the nation needs to defend itself against terrorism. No arguments there. But the Bush administration consistently loses sight of what we are defending. Instead of working together to protect ourselves, the Bushies turn every question or alternative suggestion into a political wedge. This hyper-defensive attitude extends even to Republicans in Congress -- on the rare occasions when they forget their Party-approved talking points. To Bush, the answers are all known in advance. In fact, there's only one answer to every question: I'm right and you're wrong. This is a convenient position to take since it mentally insulates him from the realization that he is breaking laws and violating the constitution on a daily basis.

One of the areas where Bush thinks the laws do not apply to him is the issue of wiretapping phone calls and spying on emails. The FBI's Inspector General recently admitted that the agency has exceeded its wiretapping authority (FBI-eese for "broke the law") over 100 times in the past two years. Of course, the FBI's report does not cover the far larger illegal eavesdropping efforts at the National Security Agency.

Fortunately, wiretapping works both ways. OplusO's technical department has been at work on a scientific breakthrough that enables us to eavesdrop directly on the Oval Office in the White House. Here is an actual transcript of a real-life conversation from just a few days ago. Hard to believe? As the president would say, "trust me."
Cheney: Mr. President, the Patriot Act has passed Congress.

Bush: Hate the Patriots. They win too many Super Bowls.

Cheney: I'm talking about our plot to take over the world, Skippy.

Bush: Go Cowboys!

Rove: He hasn't had his medication, yet. Just ignore him.

Cheney: I usually do. Listen up, Rove. I just got back from the NSA. My latest project is complete: The Fully Undercover Comprehensive Knowledge Unit.

Rove: FUCK-U?

Cheney: Right. FUCK-U.

Bush: Heh. Heh heh.

Cheney: Keep it down over there, Skippy. Anyway, some of the pantywaists at NSA were mumbling the usual worries over "unconstitutional" this, and "illegal" that. So I reminded them that freedom is a scarce commodity. There's not enough of it to go around. That's why we have to conserve it -- only let the right people have access to it -- control it.

Rove: Did that satisfy them?

Cheney: Nah. So I shot 'em.

Bush: Bang! Bang!

Rove: Calm down Mr. President.

Bush: Cheney go bang bang!

Cheney: I think it's time for Dubya's nap. He's starting to get on my nerves.

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