Monday, January 16, 2006

Political Malpractice

Senator Bill Frist, MD has announced yet another remarkable diagnosis at a distance. The Senate Republican Majority Leader and future presidential candidate has little time to practice medicine in the traditional manner, what with all the fundraising to be done. So, instead, Frist has perfected the ability to make shit up about critically ill patients. This morning, after conferring with fellow physician Sen. Tom Coburn, Dr. Frist declared comatose Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon to be in peak physical and mental condition based on his conversations with an old woman at the local deli. Frist is planning to recruit Sharon for the Republican side of the Senate's annual Basketball Game.

"I saw some videotape of Ariel resting in bed recently. I suspect that is to protect his Achilles tendon and maintain his incredible vertical leap," Dr. Frist surmised.

Not to be outdone, indicted Congressman Tom DeLay, former Majority Leader for Republicans in the House, concurred in Frist's diagnosis but insisted that Sharon would bat lead-off for the Republicans in the Congressional Baseball Game. "The guy can still motor," DeLay noted. "I figure he can stretch a bunt into a triple against those lazy Democrats."

However, rival conduit-to-God Pat Robertson was not so sure. Apparently upset about being cut out of a recent real estate deal by Sharon, Robertson spoke sarcastically about Sharon’s athletic prowess: "He’s 77 years old for Christ's sake. Let's face it: Sharon is no Methuselah. Sharon will never hit enough homeruns to join the 700 Club like Methuselah." As an aside, Robertson bragged that "Methuselah is still coaching the ark-building team here in Virginia Beach."

Regardless of their minor differences, these three paragons of professional judgment are certain to continue their current medical practice ... as this photo indicates ... for years to come.